I'm Not Saying ... I'm Just Saying

God Gave Me Tiny Fingers

nathomas27 — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 20:05:53 +0000

God gave me tiny fingers. I’m not going to dance around it … I got screwed in the hands department. I’m 6’2 and 220, and I have hands the size of a midget Hamburger Helper. I’d gladly lop a few centimeters off my toes, a few inches off my elbows to live life long-handed. Funny thing is, I never noticed it until a few years back. I was on a boat with an ex-girlfriend, when she so astutely pointed out that my fingers are small. Squat, even. My palms are the bees knees, but my fingers? Vertically challenged. That would explain why I never could palm a basketball, grip an NFL-regulation football or open a bottle of baby food. But I’m not bitter.

Fat Jesus is Funny

nathomas27 — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 14:37:38 +0000

When it comes to the technology realm, I’m about as out of place as Powder at the BET Awards. I’ve been diagnosed as tragically unhip, so when I came across a YouTube clip that induced fits of snorting laughter, I felt compelled to share it. I haven’t laughed this hard since I read your little sister’s diary (the sequined one with the cerebral palsy sketches).

To set it up for you, Zach Galifianakis (the bearded guy from “The Hangover”) invites celebrities over to his studio to record what they believe is a legit interview. They have no idea that Zach’s going to stonewall them by being a dick (with amazing deadpan humor). These clips are awkward to watch, yet heart-stoppingly hilarious. Check it out:

I’m not saying … I’m just saying.

Moses and Britney Spears

nathomas27 — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:00:47 +0000

I’m a man, so I brag about things I’m not really good at (car stuff), eat everything in sight (prunes) and put on way too much cologne (Britney Spears’ Curious). Because I’m a man, I also make lists. It not only makes me feel important, but it gives me a false sense of organization. You see, if things are in print, they may magically happen. That’s probably how Moses felt, but I’m not an expert on old, bearded people. I just make lists. For example:

New Favorite Web sites

I’m not saying … I’m just saying.

Dogs Should Wear Deodorant

nathomas27 — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 15:54:01 +0000

Sometimes, when I’m up at night, buried beneath my Snuggie in a state of sloven repose, I get to w0nderin’. I think about important issues that are likely debated by scholars the world over. Issues like, What ever happened to Ben Savage from “Boy Meets World”? And, If dog’s sweat from their tongues, what are their armpits for? I feel like in order to get the world back on track, we need to tackle these issues with the same vigor and discipline with which we cover obscure celebrity news. I mean, which would you rather have: Hourly updates about Heidi Montag’s forty-third nose job, or an interview by Ben Savage regarding dog deodorant? Think about it.

I’m not saying … I’m just saying.

The Mighty Man Beard

nathomas27 — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 14:21:02 +0000

There are few things men do well: Drink beer, burn food and burp the ESPN theme song. Add to that list growing facial hair (for the most part). I feel like every man should grow a beard at least once in his life. Unless you’re Spencer Pratt, in which case, you should rent a gently used Volvo, drive to the nearest desert, dig a proportionately sized hole and sleep in it forever. No matter what your girlfriend says, beards are beautiful, and they really add to a man’s character. I’ve heard people say that the measure of a man’s worth is in the bristles of his beard. I’ve also heard people say Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays, so who knows? I’ve been growing once since September, and I’m starting to look a little like Shel Silverstein, only not as rich or successful. But hey, let’s look on the bright side. At least I’m not this guy.

I’m not saying … I’m just saying.